Beyond No.2 Pencils

Learning Emotional Availability

Relationships are a tricky thing for me - they always have been. When I was 10 years old my biological father died. At the time I really didn’t understand what that meant. If I remember correctly my family was supposed to go to Ohio and my mother came into our bedroom and told my brother and I that our father had passed away. My first thought was does this mean we can’t go on vacation? Looking back on it I was 10 years old and didn’t really even understand the concept of death and what it meant. In fact by the age of 10 I had been to several funerals. My father’s twin sister Donna died in September of 1982 from breast cancer and my father died 4 months later in January of 1982. What I learned early in life was that you cannot let people get close to you because they go away.  At the time I didn’t realize that only years later.

I had a great family growing up. My stepfather whom I have always considered my father adopted my brother and I. Our parents provided us with a good life. We had vacations, went to great schools, and had plenty of opportunities. However, I always kept my family and friends at a distance. I would let them get just close enough and then I would keep them there. There have been very few people in my life I have loved unconditionally because that means I have to be vulnerable. The underlying fear is that they will leave. I am not writing this because I want a pity party but rather as an understanding of why I have pushed good people away from me. There has been a reluctance on my part to let people have my heart. It is the reason I was emotionally unavailable for so long. However, I do believe I am figuring things out. Someone does have my heart and I am extremely vulnerable (which is scary as hell to me), however in my growth I think I am finally willing to take a chance. 

Living a life where you are emotionally unavailable is not fulfilling at all. There is no joy in retreating into yourself. You can’t share your victories and commiserate your defeats alone; they just aren’t as sweet or easy to overcome alone. Part of getting my mind right is accepting that I do not want to be unavailable to people. This is where I need to step outside of myself and think beyond my own problems. Other people have problems too and it is extremely selfish to wallow in your own problems without thinking about the welfare of others. I recently got caught up in my own feelings and couldn’t see someone else’s feelings. Had I stepped outside of myself I would have seen the situation far more clearly. As hard as it is to let go of our thoughts sometimes we need to for clarity and perspective.

My goal is to go far beyond the person I was.